DarkBeast.com :: Forums :: Post New Message :: Board
This message The Bigpaws Boobmonkey's Pre-Christmas Extravaganza, Not That I Like Ornate Titles, Part 1 was posted by Whit, writing like crazy, so Nats, just remember I do this for the good of the board..really on Monday, December 23, 2002 at 23:46.
It was a dark, stormy night on the moors. Dogs howled between tumbling echoes of thunder. The sky shook and burst with lightning. It was a horrible, frightening place to be at night alone. Fortunately, this story takes place in Paradopolis. The night in question was clear and cold, and the only howls came from a recent development in the redneck bar region of the city. It was two nights before Christmas and the city teemed with late shoppers, fake Santas, and real reindeer (the gatekeeper of the local petting zoo had taken to his cups and forgot the gate). Our story begins in a rambling apartment complex downtown. Over the sounds of music, bells and sodden gatekeepers came a single, piercing cry:
Person with Single, Piercing Cry: HEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!
Policeman: Eh?
Other policeman: D*&( redneck bars!
Person: I SAID HEEEEEEELLLLPP!!! (so much for SINGLE piercing cry)
A young woman flings open a window and shouts to the cops below.
Woman: Hey, you idiots! I said help! Some jerk just flew in my bathroom window and touched my boobs.
Policeman: Criminy!
Other policeman: D*&$ redneck bars!
Woman: Are you going after this guy or what?
Policeman: We could dust for fingerprints….
Woman: (unpleasant nouns)!!!! I’ll catch him myself! [slams window]
Other policeman (excitedly): Smashing!! That must be the infamous Mr. Bigpaws Boobmonkey! The Lair Legion’s been after him for weeks! Nobody knows his real identity!
Policeman: Hey, if we catch him, we’ll be heroes and get a big reward and maybe Lisa’ll come by and
Other policeman: EH!!!!! Cut that out. I have a woman at home, thank you very much. [blushes] But a reward would be good…I could get her something nice for Christmas instead of that power drill…
Policeman: Sheesh. [Decides not to mention the electric toenail clipper he got for his own girlfriend.]
They get into their patrol car and start scouring the city for the Boobmonkey. Unfortunately for them, the sky is full of superheroes and villains trying to get their shopping done. Fortunately for them, the sky being full means the parking is easier, so they pull over at the Bean & Donut. They decide to have a coffee before searching some more.
Sarah Shepherdson: Hi, guys, what can I get for you?
Policeman: Oh, just a couple joes. We’ve got to stay sharp so we can find that Boobmonkey!
Sarah: Oh, the petting zoo’s letting everything out these days, hunh?
Other policeman: Uh…this Boobmonkey flies and he …uh…touches women…
Sarah: I knew I should have went down there Friday night. D*&^ redneck bars.
[She heads back to the kitchen.]
Policeman: Criminy.
Sarah comes back, puts down the coffees and spoons, and eyes the two cops.
Sarah: So you’re looking for a flying monkey, hunh?
Policeman: No, no, he’s a criminal. His name is Mr. Bigpaws Boobmonkey. He’s molesting women. He struck again on our beat and we just can’t let this go on. Do you know anything about him?
Sarah: Oh, THAT monkey. [shrugs] He’s been by a time or two, not a regular, really…and a lousy tipper…
Policeman: Good grief, lady! Why didn’t you say so???! [whips out a notebook] Tell me what he looked like! What did he say? Did he molest anyone here????
Sarah [pouting]: No. I even gave him extra Dairy Ease…
Other policeman: We’re never gonna catch this jerk at this rate. We may as well go home, Ralph.
Sarah: Well, now, wait a minute. [looks around the otherwise empty diner] I think there’s a good possibility he’ll be in tonight…
She runs off into the back of the diner. The cops exchange a confused look and get ready to make for the door, when it blows open and a stout guy in a monkey costume and a Santa hat flies in. He glances at the cops’ uniformed chests and makes for the counter. Sarah reappears, fluffing her hair.
Sarah: Oh, hey, Mr. B. What’ll it be tonight?
Mr. Bigpaws the Boobmonkey: Uh, the usual. Did you know your shirt is wrong side outward?
Sarah: Oh, bloody crud. [Disappears into back of diner again]
Mr. Bigpaws the Boobmonkey: Hey, guys, come sit with me. You won’t believe the night I’ve had.
Policeman: Oh, yeah? I would think a nice, normal guy in a hairy suit with a pink butt would be at home with the wife and kids.
Other policeman: Shut up, Ralph.
They saunter over and sit down on either side of the mysterious mammary molester. Sarah reappears with a plate of donuts.
Sarah: Specialty of the house, boys.
Policeman: Oooh.
M.B.t.B.: Uh, did you know your skirt is on upside down and inside out?
The cops laugh and Sarah slams back through the kitchen door again.
M.B.t.B.: Now that we’re alone..
Policeman: I don’t have any.
Other policeman: You will, if you don’t put down the doughnuts, Ralph.
M.B.t.B. : GAH!! Sickos! No, no, I just wanted to ask if you knew a good psychotherapist. I’m afraid I’ve got a bit of an obsession with er…
Sarah, reappearing yet again: Grapefruits!
She plunks down two grapefruits with spoons and takes the donuts away.
M.B.t.B.: Well, I’m not picky, but those are kinda small.
Policeman: Good grief.
M.B.t.B.: Anyway, I need to find a therapist before the Lair Legion catches me and hooks me up to some brainwashing machine to cure me.
Policeman: And that would be so different from psychotherapy how?
Other policeman: Last time I take your suggestion for a good doctor, buddy.
M.B.t.B.: Please, you gotta help me! [His hands start shaking violently. He knocks over the plate of grapefruit at his elbow.]
Policeman: Hey, lady! Back away, wouldja? He looks dangerous.
Sarah: Hmph, you don’t know how lonely it gets working in here. [moves closer to twitching monkeyman]
M.B.t.B.: GAHHHHH! I can’t help myself!
He leaps over the counter and frisks Sarah. Sarah surprises him by frisking back. They disappear into a tangle of arms and legs behind the counter. The cops decide to get the heck out of there.
A few minutes later…
Sarah: Woooooo, who was that masked simian?
She peers at the scrawled number on her hand..
Back at the Lair Mansion…
Finny: Has anyone seen Nats? He was supposed to finish putting up the new outdoor lights.
Ziles: He hasn’t come back from Christmas shopping yet. You want me to go look for him?
Finny: Actually, you could just look behind that sofa there…bend over, he might be underneath..a bit farther…that’s nice..
Ziles: ???!
Finny: Oops, too much nog and not enough egg…[runs away]
Ziles: Blast.
Suddenly, the front door bursts open and a smallish guy breezes in with shopping bags. He looks radiant.
Ziles: Nats! We’ve been looking for you! Did you get everything?
Nats: Ooooooh, yeah.
Ziles: Er, well, all right then. [takes her Victoria’s Secret bag from Nats] This must have been embarrassing for you - I hope you weren’t *too* mortified..
Nats: Ah, it was a very interesting experience. The salesgirls were so … helpful...
He smiles even bigger and floats away up the stairs. Ziles stares after him.
The phone rings. Ziles picks up.
Ziles: Lair Legion Mansion, We’re Real, Dammit. [Mental note: stop letting Viz come up w/ the phone jingles]
Sarah: Ziles???
Ziles: Sarah!!!
Sarah: I must have called the wrong number. I…er…met this guy at the diner and he gave me his number… I thought that sounded familiar.
Ziles: What guy?!
Sarah [in a breathless voice]: Bigpaws Boobmonkey…he’s just the sweetest thing. And whooo that was some good monkey lovin’…
Ziles: Eeew!
Sarah: You aliens are so picky. So, er…he doesn’t happen to be sort of hanging around there anywhere, does he? You know, making crime and such?
Ziles: No. [thinks] But let me check with Kirk, first. They’ve probably started a support group…
Sarah: Support…hehehehe.
Ziles: ??
Sarah: Sorry, having a guy moment there.
To Be Continued....
((Yes, I know it's a bit of an awkward stopping point, but you see, I require sleep. More on the morrow!))
This poster posed from 216.80.149.240 when they posted
Message Thread
- The Bigpaws Boobmonkey's Pre-Christmas Extravaganza, Not That I Like Ornate Titles, Part 1 - Whit, writing like crazy, so Nats, just remember I do this for the good of the board..really - 23:46 on December 23, 2002
- /// - - 20:38 on January 8, 2003
- /// - - 20:53 on January 8, 2003
- /// - - 20:55 on January 8, 2003
- /// - - 20:55 on January 8, 2003
- /// - - 20:59 on January 8, 2003
- /// - - 21:00 on January 8, 2003
Post A Message
DarkBeast.com :: Forums :: Post New Message :: Board